"Thanks to Marc for his kind words there. You should know that, now you’re a married man that’ll probably be the last time you’ll ever be able to speak for three minutes without being interrupted, so hope you enjoyed it.
So, I’m a bit nervous about the speech. I’ve always thought the best man speech to be the highlight of all the weddings I’ve been to, so I wanted mine to be funny and memorable. But I am fairly confident because I have rehearsed in front of a crowd before today, and they all wet themselves. It was in an old peoples home though so…
Right… to business…For those that don’t know me, but I’m fairly sure you do, I’m Tom, Abi’s brother, and Marcs Best Man. Now weddings are a bit of a mystery to me, so I’ve had to do a bit of research into what exactly my duties as the best man are. I’ve always thought it was just about giving a funny speech, where I get to make fun of the groom, and tell some painful stories about him, embarrass him a bit… But come on…we all know that once he’s had a drink and he hits the dancefloor, he won’t need me to embarrass him... I remember a couple of years back, going into town with my mates around Christmas time, we ended up in LN2. Just having a drink, we spotted this guy on the dance floor dancing around, making a nuisance of himself, looking like he was having some sort of attack, we all had a good laugh at his expense until some one points out to me “Isn’t that your sisters boyfriend?”… Yep… I remembered he’d gone out on his works Christmas party, so I went over to speak to him. Leathered he was. So I asked who he was there with, he looked around… no one. He was there on his own. Probably scared all his mates off with his dancing. So keep an eye out for him later, if he looks like he’s having a fit, don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal.
So what are the best mans duties?
Tradition dictates that as best man, its my duty to speak on behalf of the bridesmaids and ushers, so first of all, I’d like to propose a toast to our beautiful bridesmaids…. Hayley, Ellie, Lucie and Lilly….
and secondly to our ushers… Danny and Jamie…
I think you’ll agree that the bridesmaids look great and behaved impeccably. And the ushers…well at least they didn’t turn up drunk.
My other duties are to make sure Marc is ready for the day, in the right places at the right times and so on. This isn’t just tradition, this is on a checklist handed to me by Abi yesterday. I’ll read you out a few points.
1. Make sure Marc gets a good nights sleep.
Well I can confirm he slept like a baby. He wet the bed twice and woke up calling out for his mummy.
2. Keep Marc off the booze.
Well we’ve managed so far. I did catch him about to have a sip of beer earlier, but I stopped him in time, that was a close call. A whole sip Marc? Take it slowly for gods sake.
3. Make sure he’s dressed properly.
Well I can confirm that he has got matching socks for once, matching cufflinks, and even matching bra and knickers too.
4. Keep him away from the bookies.
Well he did want to go down this morning, to collect his winnings on a bet he placed in 1996 when they first met. The bet was “I bet I’ll never get married to HER”… and i’d have given good odds on that too when I first met him. But Marc has come along way from that long skinny haired light-weight gambler that he was all those years ago… Well… he’s had a haircut at least.
No, in all serious now. I’m genuinely pleased that we got to this day, because I couldn’t be happier for the two of them. Marc, in my sister as a wife, you have gained someone who is a wonderful, loving, caring, and beautiful person. And Abi from today you’ve gained… erm… a nice dress?
I’m honestly very happy for both of you, and Abi, with Marc you have a loving husband, who is generous, doting, caring and selfless.
So just before we toast the bride and groom, I have a couple more best man duties. First of all I’d like to raise a toast to the parents of the bride and groom…
David, Anne, Colin and Jenny…
I also have a few cards to read from some people who couldn’t make it here today to read out.
To Abi and Marc,
We’re sorry we couldn’t make it today, but we’re busy taking calls from all the broken hearts you’ve left behind. Also we know marriage can be tough at times so if you ever need us our number is 08457 90 90 90.
Love the Samaritans
To Abi,
I can’t believe you’re doing this to me, I thought I’d always be your first love, why have you chosen a rake like Marc, when you could have had a hunk like me?
Love Sylvester Stallone
To Marc,
Congratulations on your big day, sorry I couldn’t make it today, only just heard about it when I got back into the country, and having to lie low for a bit.
PS Can I get those videos back off you that I leant you before I went to Thailand?
Love Gary Glitter
So finally, I’ve just got to thank a few people.
First i’d like to thank Abi and Marc on behalf of everyone here for inviting us all to share in your big day.
I’d also like to thank the staff here at the lawn, and the church for helping out today and making it so special for everyone
And finally i’d like to thank Marc who said if I did a good job today, he’d let me be best man at his next wedding.
So if you’ll all be upstanding in my toast.
To the new Mr & Mrs Thorpe.
Marc and Abi."
I had to adlib a few bits to make them sound right, but you get the idea. Not to blow my own trumpet, but it went down really well, and i got lots of people saying what a good speech it was afterwards, but i'm just glad i didn't fuck it up, and that it helped the day go smoothly. I was a bit worried that the Gary Glitter joke may have gone down like a lead balloon, but it got a big laugh out of everyone in the end.
So apart from the car crash after the reception (in the grounds of the lawn, nothing fatal) everything went well, and i'm very happy to for Marc & Abi, and just glad i could play a part on their big day.
Other news...
At Rotten Tomatoes i've been able to start writing a weekly "UK Critics Consensus" article. It doesn't require much, just really summarising the critical response to the weeks big movies, but its definitely cool to get something published online anyway. Read last weeks here...
Back to uni end of this month, which i'm very excited about now. Got my financial notifications through, so hopefully will be able to stop working as much, and be able to concentrate on my studies, and also have some money to be able to do some stuff which i will inevitably be able to blog about. So keep your eyes peeled for more blogging as it happens.
Til next time....
No comments:
Post a Comment